A new television show is turning some heads across Nequam this week. People are tuning into the new reality come game show that pits villains and members of the public against each other in unexpected teams. It isn't perfect, directed in a haphazard way and with plotting that appears downright dastardly in places and over baked in others, but the show seems captivating in a strange sort of way, and we are excited to see what comes next.
Argon Technologies are offering a sizeable reward for information leading to the recovery of a stolen SANA unit, believed to have been compromised and used in an industrial espionage attempt against an Argon Technologies manufacturing plant which resulted in the deaths of several Argon administrative staff. Argon state that due to the nature of the compromise, the SANA unit should not be trusted as it will seek to manipulate anyone to remain in operation. Argon technologies assure customers that this is a beta model unit and that the security flaws have been fixed in all production models.
Pictures are attached of SANA MK 7 as-manufactured, and cowering under a desk in an office block in her disguise from session 6.
Mists and blood storms are appearing unexpectedly along the coasts of North Abizyl, the public is advised to stay in their homes, and only travel in groups and by covered methods such as cars if travel is essential. If you know what or who is responsible for this weather please contact Nequam Meteorological society to arrange appropriate forecasting.
The Underlings Union continues to be an excellent centre of gossip and for those of you who wish to keep your fingers in the pulses of Nequam, we strongly recommend it! This fortnight, SCOOP!, from Epicentre's Centrepage, got some great interviews with sneak peeks of possible entrants.
SCOOP! was told about Gwinny from one A. Norwood and A. Linden. Gwinny is a horse from the Quiverwoods who apparently people who might taste delicious should stay away from, but was unable to confirm whether he would be appearing… stay tuned!
Violet, one of Epicentre's Centrepage's regular sources, suggested she would be entering someone who appeared to be another Underling but was not. The dashing fashionista and her pet(sidekick??) . Keep buying and subscribing if you want to see an exclusive interview, coming up!!1) The aquatic pet in question promised an “incredible” performance “a lap ahead” of other weirdest pet entrants.
Sadly for fans of worms everywhere, High Lord Priest of the Faceless Eater, Bob, implied that everyone's favourite magical cabbage farm worms would not be entering.
Red Beth, Underling of one 'John', suggested she would enter her parrot Squawk, but advised this journalist Squawk was just a parrot who was able to speak incoherently.
Unfortunately not all Underlings were so forthcoming, with one skeleton informing our intrepid reporter that they had been “told not to talk to” her…
Wow! Drama! Excitement! Burns! Crashes!
We eagerly report on the damage that took place as the Championship ended pitifully. A promising show, some super cute pets, and an edge-of-your-seat agility course was dramatically followed by chaos as the deadliest weapon show resulted in multiple pets on the loose. Audience members scattered shrieking in fear from what many of them described as, “Uh… I was just scared”, whilst footage of a flowing black veil raises nothing but questions. The discovery of a Villain with a chest full of spiders and subsequent yeeting of many audience members into different dimensions put a damper on events, as did the necessary evacuation of the Cutest Pet backstage area due to a toppling pile of prizes as a snake - or what is understood to have been described as a 'pegasus' by its Villain Dr Meeks, despite being long, slim, scaly and orange - caused rapid growth in cups and medals. Audience members report one entrant escaping on the back of a white, horse-like Pegasus shortly after it ate a judge's sleeve. This is delightfully confusing! The good news is that the small fires which broke out amongst the fracas were promptly drowned by the rupture of massive tanks of water. The bad news is that the massive tanks of water contained a variety of deadly familiars and agile creatures, some of which unable to breathe air. Centrepage has managed to interview just some of the claimants in new legal cases against the Championship organisers:
[Here follows a list of upset and/or maimed people and creatures]
At least we got our fill of cuteness with the bubbly little winner of that category, Rory, the sweetly ineffectual fire breathing rat belonging to Tiff-T. Rory's sighted 'rat-quiff' was however unable to be shown due to aforementioned riotous events.
There were some stellar disqualifications this year, including a singing mantis shrimp (we at Centrepage are DEVASTATED about this!) and Squawk the talking parrot. We at Centrepage are OUTRAGED on Squawk's behalf, as we think swearing at judges from a small crimson bird is pretty talented! Judges report the bird said, in an eldritch language from Abizyl, insults such as “go live in a garbage can” and “may all your casseroles contain hidden ghost chillis”.
With angry crowds demanding refunds, highly dangerous creatures on the loose, the casualty count rising, and downtown Epicentre still cleaning up, SCOOP! asks: What are the plans for next year?? We're super looking forward to it!
There once was a princess who lived in a castle. The castle was grand, and the grounds expansive, and she could come and go as she pleased. She was well-fed, and healthy, and most importantly, she lived alongside her love, and they adored each other.
Every morning, the princess would sit by her window and watch the birds that flitted outside. They soared and spun in the air, in flocks or alone, darting from here to there.
“Their colours are no match for our tapestries and paintings.” Her love said to her. “Why do you watch them so?”
The princess blinked. “I do not know.” She replied.
One day, the princess began to feed the birds scraps from her breakfast. The birds came to the window and feasted, and she watched them eat their fill or carry it off to their nests.
“Their lives are short and many will live and die in but one of our lifetimes.” Her love said to her. “Why do you care for them so?”
The princess tilted her head. “I do not know.” She replied.
After watching them so long, the princess had learned their songs and how to sing back to them. She mimicked their cries and they chittered and chirped in response.
“They can never understand the things we have to say.” Her love said to her. “Why do you call to them so?”
The princess preened her feathers. “I do not know.” She replied.
Discreet Enabling have come out in support of the Underlings Union, and unilaterally agreed to implement the Union's requirements for all human2) employees.
The company PR team has issued the following statement:
Discreet Enabling stands behind the Underlings Union in their demands for additional rights for those underlings that require them. We at Discreet Enabling have decided to implement those rights for all our human employees, despite the allegations of election interference at the Union, as we believe the cause to be noble even if there are some speedbumps along the way. The decision not to extend this to our DES units (available now from all major equipment suppliers!) was taken in consultation with those units - they do not require rest so would have no advantage from a day off or really any more downtime than an hour or so of charging a day3), their teeth are durable so they have no need for dental, and our backup-and-restore guarantee replaces the need for the Union-provided health insurance.
We believe that any villain should adapt to their underlings' needs - which is why we are happy to support the Union in pushing for villains to provide those needs, and support those villains who cannot meet the needs of biological underlings by providing DES units with fewer needs to cater to.